Hi, Amy
You got any crystal?
Fuck off
Shit, who pissed in your Fruit Loops?
Peanut, why don't you go passionately fuck yourself?
Yuk, you're all sweaty.
Whatcha lookin' for?
My skull lighter.
I swear, if it's missing, I'll slit my wrists.
Now that would be a great loss to the human race.
Sit and spin.
That guy has the intelligence of a stool sample.
He's OK.
I think he's got brain damage.
But he's OK.
This place is so fucking boring I wish someone would burn it to the ground.
Let's just get the fuck out of here.
Wanna go to Heaven?
Go ahead and stick it inside.
Jordan, put your dick in me.
I'm tryin'...
I'm sorry.
I just...
What?
I'm afraid of catching AIDS.
But we're both virgins.
Where's the fuckin cigarettes?
I dunno what it is, but...
I feel really weird tonight
Like something's gonna happen
Me too.
Do you love me?
Yeah. Totally.
Why?
It's just...
"I love you" can mean a lot of things, like
"You'll do till someone better comes along"
"I can't describe how I really feel..."
"But I know I'm supposed to say this"
or "Shut up",
"I'm watchin' TV"...
Are you stoned?
I think sometimes this city is sucking away my soul.
Like yesterday I was stuck in this humongous traffic jam
on the 405 freeway
and I just couldn't wait to get to the dead bodies lying there on the bloody asphalt.
All I cared about was getting out and moving again...
I know
I feel like a gerbil smothering in Richard Gere's butthole.
There just is no place for us in this world.
Hey, get off my fucking car!
Wake up, cocksucker!
It's time to die.
Yo, bitch, would you just go?!
Get your fucking hands off my car!
Goddamn motherfucker
I swear, if there is one dent in the door
one scratch in the paint...
What the fuck're you talking about?
This car is older
than you and your jaibait boyfriend here
combined
I love this car.
Oh my god, you're bleeding all over the upholstery!
Jesus, don't potty in your panties about it.
Jordan, he is bleeding all over my upholstery!
It's OK Amy, he's cleanin' it up.
You alright, man?
Yeah. I'm totally into getting the fuck beat out of me
and slicin' up my own fuckin leg...
You are really fuckin rude. Y'know that?
Hey, that's my shirt.
Oh... sorry
It's cool.
Go ahead
Use it
That is so gross.
What's your name, anyway
Xavier
What?
That's the stupidest fuckin name I've ever heard.
Is it cool if I just call you "X"?
I can't really pronounce all that...
Only if I get to call you "Nutlicker"
If bullshit were music, you'd be a big brass band
What's with your lady here, Jordo? Terminal PMS?
- Fuck you. - No. Fuck you
Fuck you, you stinkin' kootch.
Fuck you, you big wet bearded clam!
Get out of my fucking car!
C'mon, Amy. He didn't mean it.
He's just jokin' around...
Right X?
Tell her...
Yeah, Amy. Don't get your uterus all tied in a knot.
Listen, gism-breath. I want you out of my fucking car
right this fucking second.
I'm not kidding, Scumfuck.
Get. Lost.
You're, uh...
Giving me an erection.
You're repugnant.
OK, Miss America. You win...
Beam me up, Scotty.
Later, gator.
Hey, what about my shirt?
Thanks, X.
My pleasure, Nutlicker.
Will you marry me?
Hey you don't have to decide immediately...
Hey! You think about it
Sleep on it, honey!...
I swear, Amy
You can be so harsh.
I dunno,
he seemed cool.
Kinda strange maybe...
He was an anus-face.
What were we talkin' about the other day,
About trying to be less judgemental of people?...
Fuck that.
I'm starvin'.
Stop at the next QuickieMart, 'K?
Sure y'don't want anything?
I'm speeding, remember?
Hey. No smoking here
Hey, hey, girlie... you pick up.
Eat my fuck.
Pick up, girlie
I'm so sure
We happy?
6 dollar, 66 cent
That's weird.
Must've fallen out in the car...
I'll pay you right back...
oh fuck...
...The Scumfuck.
You fuckin kook. We left our wallets in the car.
Let me just run out and...
What're you gonna do, shoot us?
I mean, what is this, some kind of joke - like "Candid Camera" or something?
Scram.
What the fuck d'you think you're doing?
Saving your fucking life.
Did I ask you for any big favors, huh?
Would you please just get the fuck out of here?
Jordan, he is getting us into Deep Shit.
Would you just get the hell out of here?
Come on!
...Would you just fuckin chill??!
...his head. His head, man.
It was talkin'...
I think, we're probably cool.
Imean, that weirdo gook lady with the machete probably doesn't even speak english...
I think everything's gonna be fine.
What the fuck d'you mean "everything's gonna be fine"?
You just blew somebody's fucking head off!
You know, you gotta be the little pessimist all the time, don't you?
Little Miss Gloom and Doom. Well, fuck you.
You were there, you were both there with me...
and read my lips
we're in this together.
I fry, we all fry...
Blow it out your crusty rectum, loser.
We don't know you, we barely just met you,
and we certainly don't like you. You're fucking crazy
...and you're ugly besides.
I love you too, darling.
His fuckin head...
it was in the relish 'n' onions 'n'
it was talkin'...
I mean, don't y'think you oughta call your mom or something?
Tomorrow.
What? Mommy and Daddy'll be all worried about their baby girl?
My mom used to be a heroin addict; now she's a Scientologist.
My old man's dead.
Oh, sorry.
I'm not. He was a bloated, alkie pig who was always trying to molest me.
What 'bout you?
My folks live in Encino.
My mom shot my dad
then killed herself when I was twelve.
I'm taking a bath.
I love this show, man.
S'how Long've you 'n'
Princess Leia been a happy little couple?
Fuck
a long time
Three months
No way.
Most of my relationships, they last about three days
or...
three hours.
Yeah, relationships bite.
Wow. Righteous tattoo.
I been wantin' one forever but
I can't decide on a design I like enough to,
y'know
wear on my body for like the rest of my life.
It's a big commitment.
I sure do like yours alot though...
I gotta take a whiz.
I must piss.
Now some of this next footage may be too gruesome for some audience members
so viewer discretion is advised...
Police say that the severed head
of QuickieMart proprietor, Nguyen Kok-Suk,
was still talking when it was discovered,
at approximately 2:39 am, by a Jerseymaid deliveryman...
...And the San Fernando Valley Sheriffs Department is still investigating
the bizarre, ritualistic slaying of his wife and children as well...
It appears that the shopkeeper's wife,
was so distraught over the slaying of her husband
that she took the lives of her children, disemboweling them...
Wait just a second there...
disemboweling them?
Yes, Chet, dis-em-boweling them
before taking the knife to herself in some kind of unusual suicide rite.
The police so far have only one clue to the identity
of Mr. Suk's murderer or murderers...
This skull earring
the type sold most frequently in rock'n'roll paraphernalia shops
often worn by homosexuals, satanists,
and members of other dangerous cult groups...
Hold it, Sandy.Correct me if I'm wrong,
but don't lots of people, especially trendy teenagers
following the latest "fad", kids who are otherwise perfectly "normal",
don't they wear earrings similar to the one shown here?
Yes, well, Chet,
that is a problem...
Smooth move, ex-lax.
Pinch the bridge of your nose.
Pinch it there...
I'm so fuckin hungry
I can eat my leg.
How 'bout a little foodular action?
Welcome to Carnoburger
May I have your orders please?
Gimme the Slop-O-Rama Bellybuster
no onions
A Passion Fruit Slurpster
and aside Curly Q fries
I have some Barbecue Beef Chunks
Some Fried Cheeseballs
And an Evian
Diet coke. Extra large.
She never eats when she does crystal
Shut up
That's be all?
I've lost my earring
That'd be... 6 $ 66. Please pull forward to the window
Jordan, I'm sure. We're like in this total predicament and you're worried about losing a fucking earring?
It's got sentimental value
My mom gave it to me when I finally passed algebra/trig
You can relax your royal sphincter muscle, your highness.
The crazy machette lady offed herself and her kids
so there are no witnesses left.
What?
They're all dead. It was on the news.
You're so full of sheep excrement it's not even funny
I saw it on TV, so it's gotta be true, right?
Yeah
what if dead guy's head is still talking?
And he tell the cops everything?
Grossify me
Six sixty-six
Sunshine?
Gimme some money
Sunshine, is that you?
I think you must've me mixed up with someone else
Gonad-face, give me some money
Don't lie to me now
I know it's you
Look, you fucking chunky pumpkinhead! I don't know what the fuck you're talking about!
Would you just give me some fucking money?
You said you loved me...
You said, you'd never leave me...
It this Night of the Living Brain-dead?
Wake up and smell the cappucino, geek
I don't know you, I've never fucking seen you before,
I don't know who the fuck this 'Sunshine' is!
You little whore
You broke my fucking heart!
Come on, Sunshine
give the poor guy a break
Shut the fuck up
and give me some motherfucking money!
Ain't it nice?
I figure, if I can't have you, no one will
Hey Bartholomew, what's going on?
The bitch
I will find her
and I will kill her
Is it fucking full moon or what? What the fuck is going on?
You shouldn't have broken his little old achey heart like that, Sunshine
Cram it, ass-crack We wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for you
Mellowize thyself, fishwich
Ever considered cuttin' down on your crystal intake a bit?
Cripes
I have had it with you!
Don't worry, Amy
We're here, we're safe,
everything is cool
Jordan, I just wanna go home and forget this whole entire nightmare
It's alright, Amy, really
In the morning, we'll figure it all out
Yeah, sure
I'm gonna get ready for bed
brush your teeth before you turn in, otherwise you'll have cheese-breath
I get the feeling Amy doesn't like me very much
Don't take it personal, X
She's just a little...
aloof, till you get to know her
I've never seen a tattoo there before
Touch it
Go ahead
Indulge
What's it a picture of?
Can't you tell?
It's Jesus
Why the hell d'you have Jesus tattooed on your dick?
So people, when I'm boning 'em,
can say
"I've got Jesus
inside me"
I'm gonna vacuum your tongue right out of your face
Wait
I'm gonna come
Already?
Don't worry, I'm good for about six times a night
Four at least
How 'bout you? You anywhere close?
Sort of
I can't hold it much longer
Where is she?
Where is my little dandelion flower?
Tell me where she is or
you'll gonna have a mangled stump in place of that fairy face o' yours
Tell me where she is,
you fucking slimy piece of queerbait!
I'm right here, lovebucket
My pearly-doo drops rose
I missed you so much, my darling
You know I could never live without you, my bumpkins
I've been dreaming of this moment for months
Come on!
My pants
My babycakes! My cuddlemuffin!
Please, please, don't leave me again!
Get a fuckin life, dogbreath
Come back!
Babycake!
Ever feel like reality is more twisted than dreams?
Not again
My fucking arm!
I want it back
Son of a bitch
Jam on it, girlfriend!
Get that fucking thing out of my car!
I'm trying! What d'you think...
God fucking damnit, Amy!
Would you kindly tromp on the fucking gas pedal?!
Sunshine
You are my one true love
What is with you? Do you have to kill someone every fuckin time we stop the car?!
Well, pardon me for rescuing your ingrate ass twice in the same night,
you fuckin furry tuna taco
You don't care about anything, do you?
You have no guilt, no remorse?
You murdered two people tonight Doesn't that faze you at all?
Yeah, I'm bummed
To the max
But it's not like I've never done it before
Excuse me?
How many people've you..?
Just a few
and all of 'em deserved it
or wore a uniform
Like my first,
this ugly sow of a parking cop
Y'know how they're so full of themselves, they got their fuckin badge, they think they're all bad
Well, this one lardass cunt tickets me
for bein' in a red zone
for like ten seconds
So I'm there in the street arguin' with her 'n' she's just smiling away, writin' me up
I grabbed the bitch by her kinky 'fro
and started poundin' her head into the hood of her nice white
Parking Pig-mobile
and then,
I slammed the door on her skull a buncha times until she was dead
La mort
History
God, would take a reality pill
Hey, I still got the scar
Teethmarks from where the bitch bit me
I tell you,
those cops are like goddamned savage animals
...and some nachos
That'd be six sixty six
All hail the Coffee and Cigarette God
Where's my change?
Drop dead, dunghead
No Zagnut bars?
Life is a chewy shit sandwich
What now?
Go fetch me some Zagnut bars, wench
Fuck you
You already have
Fucked me
You are such
the prick
Yeah, well, that's not exactly how you phrased it last night
You think you're funny? You're not. You're pathetic
Sniff my finger
Sniff my finger 'n' tell me it doesn't smell like your girlfriend's sweet juicy snatch
I'm gonna strangle you!
I hate you!
He's a liar
Y'know that, don't you?
It doesn't matter
Even if I did get together with him, and this isn't saying I did or anything,
but if I did,
y'know that it wouldn't actually mean anything, I mean
y'know that I really only love you,
right?
Whatever, Amy
I wish that we could ditch him someplace, Jordan
Just get rid of him and forget he ever existed
He's not so bad
I mean,
he's sorta like us
Lost,
like he doesn't fit in
He scares me, Jordan
Like I don't know what it is,
there's something evil about him
Don't be a cornnut
C'mon
finish your breakfast
Then let's get me some clothes
I feel like a fuckin frat boy in this toga
Be right back
What's with you? You act like somebody ate your pet hamster
Well, duh
I am so pissed at you I could rip your testicles off
and staple them to your ankles
What the fuck did you have to go and tell Jordan for?
Tell him what?
What d'you think, doorknob? That we got together
Well, didn't you utterly dig it?
That is not the point
What is the point then? Get it:
Guilt is for married, old people
You are incredible. You aren't even human, are you?
You're like a life support system for a cock
This is so fuckin cher
Look'it this thing
I mean, check it out
Let me see
Can I?
Be my guest
Jesus, it's a fuckin belt Don't tard out over it
Mon, dad
It's me
I'm uh, sorta takin' a little vacation with Amy right now and uh
Fuckin machine hung up on me
I'm thirsty
What d'you pick?
Shit!
Jordan, would you listen to me for a second and forget about that dweeby game?
Sheesh, Amy, what's the national emergency?
Jordan, would you kindly pull your head out of your rectal region?
We're accessories to two homicides
Doesn't that concern you in the fuckin least?
Kitten, is that you?
Don't you recognize me?
It's me
Brandi
Your eternal loveslave
Your slave
Look, lady, I don't know who you are
Has this guy shot you full of dope and brainwashed
you like the others? You're high, aren't you?
- It's me, honeycakes! - Let me go!
I know it's you, I can smell your perfume
Get your fucking clammy hands off me, you crazy bitch!!!
He's kidnapped you, right?
And he told you he'd kill you if you act like you knew me
Well, don't fret, darlin'
Brandi's here
I'll save you from this heathen
I'm gonna lop
his dick off
like a chicken head
I can't leave you guys alone for a minute, can I?
Oh God, Bruce I'm sorry
But that was her, it was Kitten
I know it, I know it was her
The bitch
I'm gonna find her
And I'm gonna kill
This is so nice
Lying here like two spoons stacked in a drawer
I hope we die simultaneously,
like in a fiery car wreck
or nuclear bomb-blast or something
You are so romantic
No, for reals
I don't ever wanna have to miss you
Ditto
Row, row, row
your boat
gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream
Take it out
Stroke it
Squeeze it
Harder
Look at it
Put it in
when I say OK
Don't you think sex is totally strange?
Just the whole idea of it,
this tube of flesh gets stiff
and inserted in these
warm, squishy places
I think maybe it's more powerful than we'd like it to be
It's fuckin trippy,
that's for sure
It's kinda like eating spaghetti
Why?
You are so great
Hey, that reminds me
I'm hongry
You're always "hongry"
That's cuz I'm a growin' boy
I'm gonna walk to the AM/PM and get some Shrimp Nuggets or something
Want anything?
More cigarettes
Yes, dear
I love you, fucker
Me too, fucker
Pig
Whatchawatchin'?
Come here
I wanna play a game
I'm gonna start counting
If you crack a smile before I get to eight,
I get to strangle you
If you don't,
I have to do anything you say
Seven-and-a-half
You win
Go ahead
I'll take
these too
Six sixty-six
What's Jordan's like?
What?
Y'know, his engorged member
His tumescent love missle
His throbbing purple meat scepter
Why d'you wanna know?
I don't know
I'm curious
It's alright,
it's fine
What d'you mean 'fine'?
Is it the size of vienna sausage
or like a baby's arm?
Is it cut, is it uncut?
Does it lean to the left? Does it lean to the right?
Does it go in a southeasterly direction?
Is it curved, is it straight,
Is it shaped like a fuckin corkscrew, or what?
What difference does it make to you?
Does he plunge it into you long
slow
and deep
like this?
Or quick and short and shallow
like a jackrabbit?
Does he make noises like this?
Or does he make it like...
Or, no, he's a whimperer
Would you kindly stop babbling and fuck me already?
Where you been?
Nowhere
I was worried about you, dufus
Sorry
Come over here
Y'know just because he and I
It doesn't mean that I'm really like all that
whatever
I know
This the currency
we've linked to the December 17th QuickieMart robbery/homicide
in Tarzana
The suspects
a paramilitary brigade of three youths
appear to be on a freewheeling crime spree heading north
We've run a fingerprint check
through the Mother Computer in DC
and thusfar have ID'd one of the suspects
Amy Blue
Age 18
Height: five-one Weight: ninetytwo pounds
Eyes: Hazel Hair: Brown
Cumulative SAT score:
Should be considered armed and dangerous
Gentlemen,
I want you to find her
And if necessary
Kill her
G'morning
Don't kiss me My breath is like totally skanky
Wait till I brush my teeth
Know what?
What?
This is the first time we've ever slept together
and woken up together
In a real bed, I mean
You are the bright red cherry on top of my sundae
Goofball
Rise and shine, monkeybutt
The itsy bitsy spider
went up the waterspout
Down came the rain
Washed the spider out
I have died and gone to hell for my sins
It's the Dawning of A Brand New Day
Suck my stump to a bloody lump
S'what happened last night?
A Mayonaisse-on-twat?
A Mayo-on-twat
A three-way
A double-stuff. E.T. finger-touch
What?
Y'know in E.T. where the kid and E.T. they touch fingers and go "ouch"
You musta been wasted
Ever done that?
You mean, like
have sex with two people at the same time?
It's the best
You start building up this momentum,
this rhythm,
y'know like a piston engine
And as you're all poundin' away,
your balls are slappin' against the other guy's
and you can actually feel his cock
through the girl's insides
What're you two homos gabbing about now?
Have either of you ever done it with an animal?
What?
Have either of you had sex with an animal?
Just you
No, really?
Have you?
Well, when I was a kid, we had this golden retriever named 'Honey'
I do not want to hear any more of this story
She was a consenting adult
I fucked a cantaloupe once
This song always reminds me of Scooter
Who's Scooter?
He was like my best friend all through high school
One day he brought a gun to physics class and told everyone he was gonna shoot himself in the bathroom
And he did
He was always depressed, always pulling shit like that,
so nobody believed him
Death's funny
Like at first, it's all weird 'n' you're bummed 'n' shit -
like this person you're used to hangin' out with all of sudden doesn't like
exist anymore
But then you just get over it 'n' move on
It's almost for the best
I mean, Scooter was so sad all the time
Me and him used to sit in my room, gettin' stoned, listening to the Smiths
he was over the night before he killed himself
right in the middle of "Unloveable", he just started cryin' like crazy
He was really into the Smiths
Hey Amy, remember the time we were so fucked up we lost my mom's car?
After the Thrill Kill Kult concert?
We were so trashed we couldn't remember where we left the car
We looked and looked
and we walked around and around
but we could not find the fucking thing to save our life!
We finally ended up taking a cab home
Which you puked in
Which you puked in!
Wait
How revolting
Amy? What?
Oh fuck
Do something
Like what?
I don't know Something
What, do look like a fuckin veterinarian?
What're you doing?!
Jesus fucking Christ
The world sucks
Bro, snag the import It's got extra tracks
I just wish I could crawl in here
and disappear forever
Don't you have that at home already?
I miss my records
Well, well, well, men Lookee here
Check out that hot, tight bubble-butt, George
Oh stop, Dan I'm gonna pop a boner
Hey there, sailor Like your pretty earrings
Leave him alone, Pat
Can't you see he's a shy, sensitive flower?
What's goin' on here, man?
No way
It can't be
Bambi?
Is it really you?
Fuck
It's me, George
Your poopsie,
Your snugglybear
Look, smegma-breath I'm not whoever the fuck you think I am
So will you just do me a favor and evacuate?
Don't do this
Fuck this shit
Please
Dig it... Someone made the bed
I just hope we don't catch crabs or something
Life is lonely, boring, and dumb
Jordan, y'want heads, or tails?
Whatever
Heads
Tails
Heads
Oh well
There any more beer?
In the trunk
Have fun
Gimme your finger
Now stick it up my asshole
Repulse me! No way
C'mon
That is the most sickening, grotesque thing I've ever...
Do it
Nice and easy
"Schoobie, schoobie,
schmoke a doobie"
You're up to bat
Don't tell me you hogged all the brewskis
Nothing makes me thirstier than a
wicked, excellent
fuck
Go fer it, boyo
X, do you like slamdancing?
It's alright
except when you get someone's elbow in your eye, or
their steel-toed boot in your crotch
Why?
Have you ever,
I mean,
does it like
all those bodies,
all that sweating
'n' pushing 'n' shoving
Does it give me a hard-on?
Yeah, always
I, uh, better
Do you ever wonder what the meaning of our existence is?
You ever wonder why we exist?
No, what for?
No reason
Y'ever wonder what the meaning of our existence is?
You gotta be kidding
No, really
Don't y'think about it?
Christ, Jordan. I'm just about to come. Can we talk about this later?
I guess
What the fuck're you doing?
Relax, you'll like it
I am not going to "like" your finger shoved up my shit-chute
That's grodified
Jordan, will you please stop being such an uptight and live a little?
I dunno, Amy
Take a walik on the wild side
Trust me
Just relax
Shit
What?
What is it?
I gotta pee
Right now?
It's not like I want to get up 'n' go out into the fuckin freezing cold y'know,
but when Nature calls, it fucking hollers
Just go ahead and let 'er rip while we're all coming
That is so vile and beastly
I can't believe any human being could even conceive of it
Jeez, little Miss Polly Pureheart
You are a demon from hell
Girls have no sense of adventure
I guess
She better hurry
My woody's startin' to droop
Mine's not
What the fuck??
Two little faggots
sittin' in a bed,
One eatin' ass,
'n the other givin' head
Dirty, pervert scum
make me see red
The world'll be a purer place
when they're both dead
X, man, if this is your idea of a...
Shut up
Leave her alone!
Dan
Please fire up our favorite song
I pledge allegiance
to the flag
of the United States of America
to the Republic
For which it stands
One Nation
Under God Indivisible
Leave her the fuck alone!
With Liberty
And Justice
You fuckin bitch
You're gonna pay for that, Bambi
Part them succulent meat curtains, darling,
and get ready for the religious experience of your life
You fucking asshole!
Stop it!
Just be patient, honey
You'll get yours
That's what your mom said
only I couldn't hear her,
she had my sperm gurgling in her mouth
Don't you
ever
Talk about my mother like that!
You... you...
You, dude, are going to die
And you, Bambi
you lying filthy fucking slut
are gonna watch me
help your little fairy boytoy
shuffle off this mortal coil
Kiss your puny,
worthless
cock goodbye
Any last words, queer?
Amy
I love y...
Isn't love a many-splendored thing?
Wake up, loverboy
Open wide and say
"yummy yum yum"
Wanna Dorito?